So Many Things On My Heart

Here in a couple of days I'm going to be 33 weeks pregnant and I have gotten to the point I promised myself I wouldn't get to; I'm done.

It isn't what it sounds like, I promise. Sure, I'm getting uncomfortable, having trouble sleeping, and sick of feeling like I have to pee every 10 minutes. My patience is running thin because I'm so darn excited for Jonah! Our apartment is about 98% ready for a new baby after my awesome baby shower that my sister threw for me (thanks B!). I'm nesting and nesting and nesting and struggling to come up with more projects to keep my anxious mind preoccupied. I keep telling myself, "You know, these last 8 months have totally flown by, the last few weeks are going to be the same." However, it's not really working. I find myself constantly wishing that Jo would just hurry up and get here already.

Enjoy a picture of Jonah with his eyes open (yes, that is his eyeball)-- a little creepy, but still super cute <3

As the title of this post suggests I have so many things on my mind and on my heart these days, the biggest one, of course, being that I'm so ready for our baby boy to arrive. I've got that awful feeling that you get when you suppress all of your joys and frustrations and you just have to get all of it off of your chest.

One of my frustrations is something that I promised I would discuss way back in March when I found out I was pregnant and decided very early on that I was wanting to have a natural, un-medicated labor and delivery. I've been met with a plethora of different responses when I tell friends and family members about my decision and it has been a very...trying experience for me. Most of the people I have discussed this with have remained pretty neutral with their opinions, telling me it's my choice and that they hope everything works out okay. My husband has been incredibly supportive and is doing everything he can to prepare himself to coach me through a natural labor. One friend of mine has been super supportive as well, sharing with me her experience of having a baby without medication and providing some great tips. But, of course, I've gotten some pretty negative responses from people as well, and, unfortunately, they've been from family members I was hoping would be supportive. First of all, let me say, when a woman tells you about her decision to have a low/no intervention birth, do not treat her like she has no idea what she's getting herself into. Do not tell her horror stories about your own labor and delivery. When I was met with responses such as, "You can try, but go ahead and ask for those meds early on because you aren't going to be able to get through it," or, "You just don't understand how painful it is," or, "You don't need to be a hero," my very confident spirit was smashed a little bit. From what I've learned about natural labor and birth so far, the key is to remain calm, focused, and confident. Telling me that I'm not going to be able to handle it or that I have no idea what I'm getting myself into destroys that confidence. Every time I get one of these responses I start second-guessing myself, even though five minutes ago I was 110% sure of myself. Sean's been amazing during this frustrating process. He constantly reminds me that I am tough, he'll be there to help me through it, and that he knows I can do it. What's so reassuring for me is that I know, without a doubt, if I start doubting myself in the delivery room, he's going to push me to keep going because he knows my limits better than anyone else, sometimes even better than I do. I know I kind of started rambling there, sorry. My overall point, I guess, is just be supportive. We need to stop telling pregnant women all these horror stories about the delivery room. Birth should be a positive experience, not a nightmare.

Here's one of my joys-- I'm really enjoying this transition from working to staying at home. Yep, I'm planning on being a stay-at-home mom. I was so fortunate to grow up with my mom staying at home for most of my childhood (she worked very briefly when I was a baby), and I have always known, deep down, that being a stay-at-home mom was my calling. It was part of why I struggled through college; imagine working toward a goal that you didn't really want in the first place. I've never second-guessed myself as much as I did during my 5 years at KU. However, after several very happy years of working in childcare and an incredibly fun and rewarding summer of nannying, I am so ready get settled into my new career. I say career because I'm treating this very much like a job. I've put myself to work creating weekly schedules, meal plans, and shopping lists. I'm creating organized spaces in my apartment to make life with an infant as stress-free (and safe) as possible. I created a whole new lunch system for our little family that I am so proud of; there's a whole tub of "homemade lunchables" and other grab-n-go sorts of food in our fridge now, all healthy and simple choices. I'm readjusting our budget and taking on some more of our family's financial responsibilities. I'm improving upon my cooking and baking skills, pushing myself to create healthier and better quality meals for our family (the weight loss mission from last winter is going to come back into play full-force soon!). Finally, I'm building on what knowledge I have about babies and young children in order to create a nurturing, educational environment for our son (and hopefully future children) to grow up in. I can't wait to be able to share with you all the experiences to come very soon! Never before have I felt so confident and fulfilled-- I am, without a doubt, finally playing the role I was always meant to play. I have found my purpose!

Another frustration, pretty minor-- as I mentioned above, I'm getting pretty uncomfortable. The first four and a half months of my pregnancy were plagued with terrible aversions (when I say I couldn't eat anything, I truly mean I couldn't eat anything). However, with some help from anti-nausea medication, I was able to get through the morning sickness. Weeks 17-31 were amazing. I had a decent amount of energy, felt pretty healthy (except for the 2 week long cold I had at the beginning of July), and really didn't put on a whole bunch of weight until about week 28. I'm still in a great weight-gain range (though, still overweight). I've only gained 20 pounds during pregnancy, a fact which I am incredibly proud to report. Now I'm at week 33, feeling extremely huge and not-so-cute. My stomach is so firm and stretched out, I have no idea how it's going to get any bigger, but apparently it is because my skin is incredibly itchy and uncomfortable and Jonah keeps stretching his little body out, growing and growing.... (he's not much of a kicker, more of a roly-poly, yoga-stretching little thing, though he will knead and punch every once in a while). I started getting the occassional Braxton-Hicks contraction during the month of August, usually if I was dehydrated, sometimes just because. I went on vacation in the San Juan mountains of southern Colorado at the end of August, and that's when the Braxton-Hicks really started kicking in. At this point, it's almost every day, several times a day-- and I'm very much hydrated. I've also discovered the joy of "lightning pains", which feels like tiny pulled muscles near my hips and lower torso. For a while I was getting pretty awful cramps in my calves, but that only lasted a couple weeks and I haven't felt it since (knock on wood).

Another joy-- I'm enjoying the little steps I'm taking to improve my faith life. Over the past few months, unfortunately, I've grown a little "lukewarm" when it comes to my Catholic faith. However, I've discovered a podcast called "The Catholic Feminist" that I'm absolutely falling in love with. It's pushing me to reaffirm (and even alter) my beliefs and inspiring me to change the way I'm living my life as a Catholic woman. Believe me, two months ago, I would have never been listening to something with the word "feminist" in the title. I never saw myself as a "feminist", and I'm still struggling to become comfortable with that word, but I'm learning the differences between secular feminism and true feminism and I'm eager to learn more! More than anything, this podcast has encouraged me to pray more, learn more, and do more in terms of my faith life. If you're reading this, say a quick little Hail Mary for me because I'm stubborn and need all the help I can get when it comes to getting back into a healthy and active faith life. (Also, side note-- a bunch of these podcast episodes have been incredibly inspiring and really get my soul on fire, so I've been taking notes and writing down my own thoughts in a brand new journal I just bought in hopes of creating some blog posts for y'all real soon!)

So, would I say that I've enjoyed pregnancy? Yes, very much, even though I'll admit some parts have been not-so-enjoyable. I've been very blessed to have a very healthy, normal pregnancy. My weight gain has been minimal, my blood pressure is in a great range, I feel (for the most part) pretty good. I haven't had a major problem with my hormones or mood swings, though I have become much more defensive and easily-annoyed over the past few months, some flaws I'm working on correcting. I told myself I wasn't going to be that person who complained about every little thing during pregnancy. I wanted a positive, happy, healthy pregnancy, and, overall, that's what I got. I'm so grateful that I've been able to go through this amazing journey and am counting down the days until the next journey begins!!!