Being Judgemental and Being Insecure

True story: this happened yesterday at Mass. I was sitting next to my husband, who was having a horrible day due to a terrible professor, and I told myself I was going to pray for him because he needed some wisdom and strength. Well, I got distracted, as usual. You see, there was this family two rows in front of us; a beautiful, young, big family with a mom, a dad, three sons, and two daughters. The youngest daughter was around two years old and she was a fussy little thing. So mom had to keep leaving in order to keep her pacified. The other daughter, around 7, kept leaving with her.

I had no problem with this-- in fact, I hate it when people give young mothers so much grief for their young children's behavior in Mass. Babies cry. Get over it. Anyway, in the pew between that family and my husband and I sat an older couple--maybe in their sixties. When that mother left with her two daughters, I kid you not, this couple (in the middle of the first reading!) start whispering to each other and giggling. I couldn't hear everything they said but I distinctly heard, "Looking for an excuse to leave." So, clearly, they were talking about the family in front of them. I was livid. I felt so sorry for this mom-- she was doing nothing wrong.

Then St. Paul steps in with that 1st Corinthians tough love during the second reading, telling me that I'm in the wrong here.

"It does not concern me in the least that I be judged by you or any human tribunal;I do not even pass judgment on myself; I am not conscious of anything against me,but I do not thereby stand acquitted;the one who judges me is the Lord. Therefore do not make any judgment before the appointed time,until the Lord comes,for He will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will manifest the motives of our hearts,and then everyone will receive praise from God."

(1 Corinthians 4:2-5)

I felt pretty stupid. I went through the rest of Mass, trying so hard not to judge any of these people in front of me, but I'll be honest with you--it only got worse. This is my greatest weakness, people--I feel rather vulnerable sharing it with you, but I think I need to be reminded that I'm not better than these people. I've had this habit of judging people, especially judging people at Mass, ever since I was a kid. I remember doing this when I was about 10 or 11. I mean, judging people at Mass? How much worse can it get?

So I did a lot of thinking last night and began to realize that I need to do something about this problem. And what better time than to do it now, as the season of Lent arrives this Wednesday. Here's a little reflection on judging others and what it means about ourselves.

I'm going to start with the scientific root of this situation because science and psychology are important tools to help us understand why we do things--simple, I know, but nevertheless important. Behavioral psychologists claim that people judge other people due to a remnant of our survival instincts (so this is actually a crossing of behavioral and evolutionary psychology, which happen to be my two favorite branches of the science). We instinctively notice other people because we are social beings, and we judge other people because we feel we are being threatened. This hit me like a brick, oh my gosh. Do I really feel like I'm being threatened?

If science says its a natural thing we do, then why are you so worried about it?

Here's the thing--it is one thing if you actually are being threatened. If I'm walking alone in a dark alley and someone in a hoodie approaches me, you bet I'm going to be judging the holy heck out of them and tucking my tail and running. However, this is not a normal occurrence in my life (this has only happened to me once, in broad daylight actually). More often than not, I'm judging random strangers who just happen to be sharing the same space as me.

I think the root of the problem is self-esteem, and mine is not the greatest. I am a very insecure person and have been for a long time (I can't even remember when this began so it must be somewhere in early childhood). Because I am insecure I am constantly worried about what other people are thinking about me. Do people think I'm fat and lazy and don't care about myself? Do people think I'm weird and behave irrationally? So, this answers my question-- yes, apparently I do feel as though I am being threatened. What happens when you feel threatened, at this level, is that you start to look around at other people. You start noticing what they are doing, and you read into their actions--because if you judge them first, then they can't touch you.

I want to say, before I go on, I don't subscribe to the "screw what other people think, live your life the way you want to live it" mentality because I believe it is irresponsible. I believe that your appearance in public does matter. However, it isn't healthy to obsess and stress over it the way I've been doing for years.

What happened to me at Mass yesterday? Well, first of all I was in a defensive mood. My husband had received some horrible emails attacking his intelligence and I knew he was hurting. I'm such a "mama bear", I felt ready to drive to his school and give this professor a piece of my mind. I was furious because my husband was hurting because someone was accusing him of things that were not true. Secondly, I noticed this family and started to feel a little bit jealous-- they have this gorgeous big family and I have no children. However, once I noticed the older couple in front of me whispering, my brain switched from being threatened to lashing out, thinking I would feel better about myself. Did I really? No--actually, I felt a lot worse. I realized that my petty jealously, though it is rooted in a valid desire, was distracting me from what was really important-- first, obviously, celebrating Mass and spending time with God, but secondly, praying for my husband, which had been my intention in the first place.

So I really think that the root of this problem is insecurity. I worry so much about how other people see me and think about me that I mentally lash out at them. How do I fix this problem? Here's my plan; starting Ash Wednesday I am going to challenge myself to only say positive things about people. Whether I'm talking on the phone to my mom, lounging on the couch with my husband, out walking with my best girlfriend, or texting my sister, I'm only going to say positive thing about people--including myself. I'm resolving not to say anything that could hurt someone's dignity or pride because that isn't my place. Hopefully this will make me think very hard about noticing good things about people, rather than bad things about them. Like I said, this applies to talking about myself as well. I believe the only way to change a bad habit is to replace it with a good one-- like working for a healthy body, I'm working for a healthy mind (and healthy soul while I'm at it!).

I want to wish you all good luck with your sacrifices this Lenten season! Lots of good things are coming to this blog very soon (I'm not giving up blogging for Lent, don't you fret). As always, I welcome any comments and feedback below, and urge you to subscribe if you want to hear more confessions, advice, and life stories from me!